Audioccult Vol. 117: Your Goth Teenager Is Trash

Light a candle. Attract the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get lower. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

Read parts One and Two in our horrible goth raising a child guide.

Keep in mind that scene in Home Alone where Kevin spills the soda because Hype Your Girlfriend Woof ate their cheese pizza and the mean granddad says “Someday you’re going to play a drug addict murderer (he screams this part correct in Kevin’s face) and then start a band about nachos that everyone who isn’t a very sad person will hate, ahora little jerk”? That’s your teen when you walk by their room and hear them playing Combichrist, loudly current door locked. They’re Kevin, who will be a selfish child. Joe Pesci was right to hang Kevin on the door and threaten to eat him, though were it me I’d have bound Kevin firmly, obviously. That way, even whilst in the throes of agony, I’d have him under my complete control as I devoured him. Pesci blew this (twice! ) but that doesn’t have to be a person. Your teen needs to be taught a session, and the best way to teen-teach will be through the power of music, instead of with needles. Not again.

If there’s one thing I have learned as the parent of a goth teen, it’s that I’m not one, and that I don’t have one. That’s the reason why I’m the perfect person to teach your child: I am them. Way older but just as gross. I know the best way to turn a wayward teen away from the music that is not like the music that you like to such as, so lick that lousy lout-about-town, tell them to turn that upside-down frown around, stop dressing like a unhappy clown and get with the program. You stick with me about your kid, child, and I’ll have ‘em hearing the good Ministry albums in no time.

Youth Code is a great first taste for your teen. Anger speaks to the young; they’re a mean and spiteful breed, just the most horrible people basically every single second of the god damned day. Show them a person care as you nonchalantly drive them to school with this playing. Turn the volume increasingly louder whenever they speak. By the end, make sure to play a clip associated with Rob Schneider saying “Oh-HOO, that’s not right” because it’s incorrect to “Rob” a teen of the years as a child joys of laughter. “Oh-HOO, that’s not right! ”

3 TEETH are basically the prime-era Wu Tang of Industrial right this moment. Their debut LP hilariously beat James Blake on the digital sales charts, and with good reason. It’s one of the best takes on aggressive industrial rock I have heard in ages, and your teen will say the same thing when you play it for them if they want to relaxation well tonight. So-called “laws” erected by society crumble like cake in my fat mouth as I chews the right tracks for your teen. I am the Barf Man.

Bruxa ’s latest EP may be their best yet, a bumping club-killer of evil, heavy beats spawned from the ashes of witch house. The hip-hop elements might be a bit much for DarqDaddy to drop from the get-go (that’s the next step) , so rather than opening up a can of earthworms, play this one and watch the worm turn. It’s a real ear worm!

I wouldn’t necessarily make reference to M¥rrĦ Ka Ba as witch house, but there are definitely a witchy presence about this. This remix is a perfect bridge to bring you to my next point: I actually grew up listening to a lot of Aaliyah. Hip-hop played a formative function in my childhood, and I hear exactly the same kind of darkness in much of it that will drew me to stuff like Einstürzende Neubauten or The Virgin Prunes. Your own Modern Goth Teen should one hundred percent be aware of this kind of stuff, because it is 2014 and music is all about genre-blending and social networks. Play this when you look into their eyes to try to discover any sort of emotional connection, anything to warrant the seemingly needless amount of energy you put into raising them. “Oh-HOO, that’s not right! ”

Replace all the names of the sexy anime characters in your teen’s fan-fiction with these: Blvck Roof, HTRK, ∆AIMON, Blush Response, Tri Angle‘s entire catalog except for AlunaGeorge.

Replace the name of the obvious self-insert with Nerd Turdington. After your teen discovers the betrayal, refer to them repeatedly by this particular name. Be sure to hold your nose and say PEE-YEWWW, who let the NERDS out! Clown on that will teen.

“Now hold on, I’m a Berlin mother or father and I likey techno. Me me; and I’ll have a techno teen like meine papa before me, somehow. ” Hold on to your Büroklammer, Adalger, because Ich habe gerade living room Mix für Sie. I did this particular, me me, to please your child. This guide is over. ~

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