Audioccult Vol. 89: Making The Demise of Net Neutrality Work For You

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above the head and slowly, gently, exhale your own soul. You won’t need it right here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time for you to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

If you’re like me, you’re pretty into online. You might even be using it at this time. That’s why it’s important to realize just what the loss of net neutrality means. Basically, a federal US court has just ruled that major Internet service providers are now free to allow or limit access to the Internet on their own terms—a major change in the balance of URL strength, as such restricted access was previously just seen in censorship-favoring areas of the world for example China, Russia, Iran, and our room when dad’s being an asshole. Now the only question that continues to be is: “How can I make the dying of net neutrality work for me ? ”

◙ If you’ve ever given birth, this is your calendar year. Remember the Zune? With a reaction time as clunky as its carapace, it was once the favored media gadget for in-touch moms looking for a place to store all those MP4s of the girl son’s favorite rap band, Small B. Suddenly, mom looks a great deal cooler as all the streamlined iPod phones in the world are thrown to the ground out of frustration while she blazes across what she thinks is Tumblr but is actually simply a fast-moving screensaver.

◙ People across the world are regularly pleased by the onstage antics of Sunn O))), the fun metal music group who use super-slow guitar records to teach people about druids plus fog. You’ll soon be able to encounter this slowness in your own home, on actually every activity or purpose you try to achieve. That website launching at dial-up speed? That’s cvlt as fvck . Also a good mindset for nineties nostalgia apologists.

◙ With such a massive amount of strength suddenly handed to them, Internet service providers will soon be challenging the authority of the Roman Catholic Chapel, ushering in a new era in humanity’s history: The Netaissance. What this means is the time is riper than ever to turn into a martyr in the name of the thing you spend all day long worshipping anyway. Your friendlist will never forget you.


◙ Thanks to the Upworthy headline plague of modern times, it’s more likely than ever that you’ll be tricked into clicking on another THIS BADMAN YELLED AT YUNG NUDEGIRL—YOU WON’T BELIEVE EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID THEN! simply to discover that it’s the new Marilyn Manson and Miley Cyrus collaboration (which does seem to be about where the world is heading). With your new, slower Internet you can easily shut the tab to avoid having to hear it before the page loads.

◙ Due to a loophole within the bylaws of the erronously-named ‘ethernet’, it’s possible to change the name of your wi-fi connection to ‘Aaliyah’s Ghost’ to upgrade it to an unearthly high speed.

◙ What the hell have you been writing? “Why The Death of Net Neutrality Is A Good Thing? ” “Aaliyah’s ghost”? Are you completely stupid? Examine this closely, idiot. I’m on your computer while you’re in the bathroom quality out another one of your ‘articles’, and today I’m the one writing Audioccult. Not you, and not your ‘asshole dad’ (aren’t you like 32? ). Myself, your boss. I’ve been sitting down across from you for the last year, and today I’m sitting in your chair. I am writing your article and flexing toward the bathroom and there’s not really a goddamned thing you can do about it. That is what power is. How do you think business would feel if I told them about your lame ‘music’ column? Do you imagine that entire paragraphs of the phrase “cummy mummy” would amuse them? Sorry, shithead, but the party is over. ~

For more editions of Audioccult, click here.

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