Audioccult Vol. 98: Too Many Draculas

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. At this point, raise your arms above your face and slowly, gently, exhale your own soul. You won’t need it right here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

All of these Draculas. Count ‘em, haha well in fact they’re all Counts, Yung Parents swooping all over the dang place whilst bad Drac dad floats regarding the periphery shaking his ancient mind. What’s cool, ghoul gramps, sorry you don’t get my genderless generation of featureless masses but I’m right here to drop some newsferatu on en este momento. You see these buff biceps that turn into powerful pinions when I be a bat or sometimes a sexy Deviantart-style winged anime? Not when you try looking in the mirror you don’t, unfortunately but the sun has set upon you in a way that means the opposite of what does in real life (sorry, too busy flexing over your old guy physicality to analogize properly). Once you were the Main Dracula but now we’re all Draculas; powerful archfiends along with sweet gluten-free wardrobes. We’re essentially like Taz, giving a big center finger to the concept of mortality and police when they’re not looking. What’s that? Haha excuse me? Remorseful, can’t really hear you beneath the tears you’ll be ‘coffin’ up as me and all the other Draculas mop in to your stupid castle—and I use an Instagram.

The ideals of the previous have faded. No longer are we dark ones bound by the outmoded preconceptions and notions of the eighties. The true wisdom of the nineties hard disks us, urging our bodies ever onward to depravity and lust. More than a hundred Draculas a day are reborn every time our ripped digits Snapchat a Rescue Rangers gif. Phew! That Gadget! I know she’s a computer mouse but in my eyes she is a rock cold “fox”. What the H were they thinking when they made this particular cartoon! No wonder we all have so many issues as adults and occasionally really absurd ways of looking at the entire world, like some people eat bread. Hahah. What the bleeding fuck. It’s such as, hmm, what the heck kind of bullshit gluten am I gonna put this particular hamburger in haha… or must i say HANDburger, which is what you will be holding—that meat in your hand—and in more ways than one. Women love the breadpire. I’m not saying I would use my powers of hypnosis to steal Gadget away from Chip, but I wouldn’t, for example , be opposed to hanging some cuckold’s horns on him.

Listen up, springs because this is how it’s likely to go down. I’m a ripped bat but I got secret fat—my LARGE FUCKING WRISTS are holding me back from the inner circles of Dracula hipsterdom. You ever hug a Dracula? I mean really kiss your pet, so your eyes both flutter open at exactly the right moment and they also lock , you are just locked in the gaze of Dracula and that sum’bitch is locked right the same damn Dracula gaze together with you and you think that maybe the eyes, the beautiful brown eyes that you’re only now really noticing, truly are the windows to the soul. A couple of Draculas, just kissing the hell out of each other. Powerful stuff, almost as powerful as the swole muscular frame that you will soon feel pushing yours on a lawn in the tweet I’m writing about all this. It’s a sexy tweet and you are being sexy toward me so when the Draculas see what kind of kisser you are (the worst kind is what the tweet implies), well after the Draculas see that then you’re through , and the reign of the other Draculas and I will be… hey. Hey where did you go?

I by no means saw Dracula after that, but it no longer mattered. Draculas were everywhere, pick a bunch off the street, stacked Draculas high to the ceiling, oohhhHHHHhh hehehe there’s a bunch in here! Too many, Dracula after Dracula hogging space just for #1 D, can’t spread the wings and soar the way the pecs pulse to. Dracula’s Pleasure no longer, these wriggling vamps are usually giving me giggling cramps from their constant touch. It’s tickle torture, and not the kind that’s fun to review, mayhap this author is revealing a bit too much about himself however the one thing that always tickles my fancy is a fancy tickle fanfic, a fanticfic you might say before you check to see in the event that it’s already been copyrighted as a concept ( note: it’s pending, back it up ). Maybe I’m half-awake and I missed the toilet when I brought these pieces of shit Draculas into my life. Ehehhe QUIT THIS! ~

For more editions of Audioccult, click here.

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